Today I was taking Oscar to his pediatrician 40 minutes away for his 15 month check-up and, today, of all days, he really needed to go to the doctor. He has been spiking a fever on and off for a couple of days and last night was in hysterical pain.
My plans for Lucy after school fell through, the weather was getting bad, and I had a baby who cried most of last night and all of this morning. I was selfishly feeling sorry for myself. I was sad that I wouldn't get to Starbucks, get to spend some leisurely time at Costco, and spend my Gap cash before Oscar's appointment. I wouldn't even get a quiet day at home. I have a baby who wants to be held, and then put down, and then held again....crying and screaming the entire time. I felt bad for Oscar, and worse for myself.
I felt selfish and that everything was out of my control. The past couple of weeks my days have been perfectly planned out, hour by hour, to be especially productive with a perfect mix of work outs, Ruffle Couture, and pick up and drop off arranged. Between the weather, traveling and perpetual colds, my days have been unraveling and by the end of the day I feel exhausted from putting out fires. I have to change, rearrange and cancel constantly, and justify my decisions or schedule changes to more and more people every day. January gets to me and today I was, once again, reminded why.
I tend to start feeling sorry for myself when things don't go my way, and on the inside I feel like my three year old daughter when she throws outward tantrums. I cry on the inside, "Well now I won't get to work out today! ...Oscar didn't nap long enough for me to finish this batch of scarves. ...I just need two more minutes of silence to respond to this bride's email. ...Of course my prescription isn't ready. ....I am yet again defeated by this laundry."
Typically, I let my emotions spiral out of control, and I let them run the rest of my day and I decide to stay defeated. I fester my resentment towards my family and sometimes my friends, but usually towards myself. (Side note -- I am very aware of how small and trivial this all sounds. Honestly, I do!) Today, as I started to feel like I had lost all control of my day again (after days turning into weeks of falling victim to this tundra climate causing school delays, sick days, snow days, and weather I can't take my kids out in) a light bulb went on and I was reminded that I don't have any control. I just need patience and I just need to get through today. I need to pick my head up and be the best I can be, but I can't do that alone.
I usually shy away from outward "I am a Christian!" social media. There are many reasons for this. It makes me very vulnerable and I open myself up to criticism whether it be appearing self righteous, unintelligent or annoying. That is the honest truth. And if I'm going to be transparent, I can't avoid or shy away from sharing what I experienced today. I stopped and prayed, and asked for prayers. I prayed for wisdom in making the right decisions for every one of my family members and myself today. I prayed for patience as I try to comfort an unappeasable baby. I prayed for humility to show me that this life is not all about me and my schedule and my wants and my own comfort.
This may sound so silly and small to some, but there was nothing silly or small about how much I was lifted up today. I was lifted up by friends who are helpful enough to watch my girls, generous enough to send me a thoughtful gift of encouragement, and insightful enough to share, well, insight.
One friend shared this --
God is giving you an opportunity to trust him with whatever is causing the impatience. Give your plan up to the plan that God has for you. He will bless you. Praying for the wisdom will show you how to do it. I am praying for you. He is also making you more like Jesus. That is not always easy, and that takes time.
Today I was reminded, again, that His plan is greater than my plan.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"